“Beware of self-congratulations!”
The greatest gift I have received from my work as a public servant, especially in my interactions with students, is the profound impact they have had on my personal and professional growth. Through genuine connection, they feel empowered to express their true selves. This is not just a privilege—I view it as an opportunity to gain invaluable insights into their experiences and the realities of our educational system. Their courageous feedback illuminates both the strengths and weaknesses of our schools and honestly, most of the time we have glaring weaknesses.
I had one particular student, whom we will call Mia, who suffered from intense anxiety. This caused her to frequently escape her classroom environment, and I got to know her fairly well through her visits to my office. I consistently encouraged Mia to try to overcome this anxiety so that her academics would not suffer. I felt such intense pressure to ensure Mia was in class and learning so that my job as a School Counselor would be valued and deemed as effective. Those conversations were more about me and less about Mia. I quickly realized that this was the approach everyone else was taking as well: “You need to get to class!” “You’re missing too much class.” I didn’t want to be just another adult on campus who simply offered unhelpful advice or comments, so I made a conscious decision to begin asking thoughtful questions instead of making definitive statements.
I asked Mia what was going on. I wanted to know what was behind her anxiety. I am humbled that I even had the opportunity to ask her this question. I found out that she was rarely encouraged at home. In fact, she was silenced, and anytime she tried to express her emotions, it was met with anger and dissatisfaction. Mia used to be a straight-A student, but her academics began to decline once she realized that no matter how well she did in school, her parents were still dissatisfied with her. Countless other students I met also had similar stories of adversity, facing absentee parents, incarcerated parents, drug-addicted parents, school-based bullying and harassment, ongoing neighborhood conflict, and overly punitive teachers. I started to wonder if our staff even knew how prevalent these negative student experiences were.
I was lost in my self-congratulatory thoughts!
I started publishing student statements anonymously during professional development. My aim was to share these stories. I was confident that if our staff could hear these narratives, it would positively transform our school and prioritize our students' mental health. I worked closely with Mia and asked her if I could share part of her story with her teacher, believing that this disclosure would foster a better learning environment for Mia. I was correct. Mia began to report significant improvements in one particular class where she had previously struggled, thanks to the disclosure she permitted. Job well done, I was thinking to myself. However, as I was lost in my self-congratulatory thoughts, the next statement from Mia changed my perspective on everything. She said, “It sucks that they had to see that side of me to treat me differently.” Whoa!
She is absolutely right. We shouldn’t feel the need to know everyone’s personal story in order to assume that they are doing their very best in their given circumstances. Their struggles, whether they are academic, behavioral, or performative in nature, are indeed warranted and often influenced by factors we may not be aware of. I wonder how many students have endured suffering in silence, simply because their supportive adults didn’t know their story. Or simply because they failed to recognize their worth or did not truly believe that they deserved understanding. We are constantly confronted with the reality that we do not have the luxury of time to learn about every student’s unique story. The greater reality is that we must recognize every student has a story, and out of pure human compassion, we must act accordingly. They notice when we don’t.
